I’m here. I’ve been in a deep place these last several days, and it’s been a difficult, beautiful path for my family and I to walk. I don’t really recognize my life at the moment. The days run together,and the hours pass on. I’m trying hard to emerge from the thick to show you what all I’ve seen. I want you to know. My dad wants you to know. He no longer has a lot of strength to speak the words, but he wants his life to be a testimony to the end, and it will be.
God has, just as He promised, been very present. Not only in these past few weeks, but since the beginning. I think the greatest blessing of my life is the knowing that God directs every step of my life. From placing me in the arms of two 20-year-old parents who would become the greatest influences of my life, to leading me to Dave, who has not only been my best friend ever, but has exceeded even himself in caring for my dad at his bedside along with my mother, brother, sister and I.
And I can’t forget to mention this house. You’ve seen so much of it. I’ve written to you about about the colors on the walls and the furniture in the rooms. It’s been a big part of what I write to you here. But, I can see now that God gave us this house for a bigger purpose. And as I watch my dad sleep in my Master bedroom, big enough to hold his hospital bed and the rest of this family, I know. It was all for now. The guest room I loved decorating, now the perfect place for Dave and I. The floor plan that allows us to see Dad through the window from the family room when he needs his rest. These large windows over my desk–so he can glance out at the sun shining through the snow and ice and whisper, “That’s a gift.”
It all is.
God is with us. His Word comes to my mind at all hours of the day and night to remind me of what I’ve always known.
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for theLord upholdeth him with his hand.
I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.
As I was sitting by his side to write this, my dad started speaking to me of these very thoughts (yet another way God shows Himself to be near). I read the above passage to him, then he asked me to read Psalm 112:1-2 to him.
Praise ye the Lord. Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord, that delighteth greatly in his commandments.
His seed shall be mighty upon the earth: the generation of the upright shall be blessed.
We’ve all asked each other at least once, “How do people do this without Christ?” I can’t bear to know. What I do know is that God has ordered every step. Through the mini strokes we were never expecting and the challenges of knowing how to care for someone who has cared for us all our lives, we have still felt His peace. And in every light and dark moment, we hear God say, “I’m here.”