Hospitality 101 : Opening Up Our Homes in Spite of Insecurities

Last week I started a conversation with some of you on Instagram that resulted in an overwhelming response in messages, so much so that I couldn’t respond to them all!  I learned so much about the different perspectives many of you are coming from just by hearing your stories and it was so enlightening.  The topic was hospitality… the reasons why we do or don’t invite people into our homes on a more regular basis!  Since this hit a nerve with so many of you, I promised I would devote some time talking about this to see what we can all learn to do better!

As with everything I’ve shared from the beginning on this blog and on my socials, it’s my practice to approach these kinds of topics from a biblical perspective since that’s who I am as a Christian.  And while it may seem there isn’t any specific info on this in the Bible, I’m realizing there are a lot of biblical principles that are definitely relevant and also specific to this situation.

So the first issue I want to touch on today is the most common answer I heard over and over from those who responded, which comes down to some kind of feelings of insecurities about our homes. I heard things like:

“I know I should do better, but I’ve been putting off inviting people because I’m embarrassed by home projects that aren’t finished”

“I’m not a good decorator and I don’t feel comfortable inviting people over.”

“I’ve been waiting until my new floors are completely finished.”

“I told myself when I got a new house I would invite people over, but now that I’m here, I keep thinking of other things I want done before I host.”

“I know it’s not right to feel this way, but I just don’t think my house is good enough”

As I read so many of these types of answers, it was like I was reading the same types of excuses we give for so many other areas of our lives as well.  We have bought the lie that our homes are not enough…what we have to offer is not enough… that we’re not enough.  It’s an echo to some of the issues I hear from young girls that I teach and influence.  We tell them as parents and mentors that they are definitely enough and not to let the opinions of other people define who they are and limit their potential.  We see that they have so much worth and talent and beauty to offer and that they’re simply blinded by the superficiality of their culture.  While at the same time, we are locked into some of the same practices when it comes to comparing ourselves to an imaginary standard we’ve set for our homes and abilities to offer hospitality.

In reality, I am convinced that this opinion-driven culture is more about perception than reality.  It’s true that there may be some actual judgmental eyes on us or that we’ve experienced actual criticism which keeps us standing in the background and not stepping into that risky situation again.  But it’s my observation that most of the anxiety comes from a manufactured perception that other people are going to find us “less than”.

Where does this come from? Let’s peel back another layer…

One of the thickest layers and also the source of so many of these thoughts are born in– yes, I admit it: social media.  This is not news to anyone, as we’ve all come to realize this is our norm since the rise of social connections into our culture.  For some of you reading, you barely can imagine a world where we all were not connected to share (and compare!) on a minute-by-minute basis.  But the rise of social presence has brought a decline in social confidence and meaningful relationships.

Let’s consider a scenario with two new friends we’ll call Cindy and Maria (please know I have no one specific in mind here!)  If Cindy and Maria had met in the days before social media, Cindy might have met Maria because their kids were in the same class at school.  They might have started a conversation in the line to pick up the kids one day and realized they had similar interests and started a friendship.  They would see each other each day at school, Cindy arriving one day with a stain on her shirt because her baby had just spit up on her… Maria showing up that same day with kids fighting in the car and making a loud scene so she couldn’t hide.  But they each start to realize the other one doesn’t just have similar interests, but similar struggles as well, and it’s both the interests and the struggles that equally bind them together as friends.

Now let’s consider a scenario where Cindy and Maria meet in the age of social media.  They meet at the school and see that each other is tagged on social media on a school-related announcement.  Cindy notices Maria and requests to follow her, and Maria follows her back.  They don’t know too much about each other except meeting at the school, but Maria starts to look at Cindy’s page and sees she just got back from Disney World with her kids.  Picture the thought bubble above her head as she scrolls. “Wow. That looks really fun.  Too bad we had to use all our vacation fund on replacing the wood floors when the above-ground pool flooded the basement.”

Maria scrolls some more. “Cindy and her husband look like the perfect couple. And what an amazing house she has.”

Meanwhile, Cindy, who gets a spare minute after spending the entire day at home alone with the kids because her husband’s new job requires so much traveling, begins to scroll Maria’s page.  “Wow.  they have a pool.  That must be nice.  And new wood floors!  The same kind I was supposed to get before we decided we should use the money to go to Disney World instead because it might be our last chance to go on a trip with the grandparents since they’re not well.”

Now, of course this is a fictional situation, but can you see the irony?  Each person takes the small snapshots they see on the screen and fills in the blank areas with whatever narrative they imagine.  The real moments never show up in the squares and therefore make the picture a skewed version of the reality. In the age of social media, we pull together small pieces and create a perception of an entire person before we really get to know the real one.  Then many times, we put up barriers and never go forward with getting to know someone deeper because we assume they don’t have the same struggles we do.

So how do we begin to let down our insecurities and let people into our homes and lives?

The best answer I know to begin is a principle I’ve been learning and teaching more in the past couple years.  It’s the principle of taking our thoughts captive from 2 Corinthians 10:5.  If you suffer from these anxieties about your home or yourself, you may feel like it’s a prison you want to escape.  That’s because it’s a real thing to be held captive by thoughts.  It paralyzes us from being as free as God intends for us to be.

2 Corinthains 10:5 says, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

Whatever it is that we are perceiving that goes against what we know to be true of God, we need to take control of it and refuse to let it into our minds.  I like to picture a sorting system.  Every thought that comes in has to be analyzed.  We ask the question, “Is this thought true and in line with what God would want me to think? ”  If the answer is yes, we allow it in.  If the answer is no, we stamp it “INVALID” and throw it out immediately.  In regard to hospitality, what does God want for me?

He doesn’t want me to refuse fellowship just because I am afraid someone might think my house does not look magazine-worthy.  What we know of Him is that He wants us to offer even just cold water in His name if that’s all we have.  We also know when Jesus visited the home of two sisters, He was more concerned with quality time face-to face with Mary than the home-keeping skills which kept Martha from spending more time in conversation.  This doesn’t mean we don’t do our best to serve, but it does mean that we keep in mind that people are more important than presentation.

With God’s help, we become the guard at the door of our own minds. If we’re able to grasp this basic concept, it can be applied to every area of our lives, cure anxiety, and change our entire perspective.

You’re probably thinking this is a very deep approach to the original topic of hospitality.  Some of you are thinking you didn’t know you were signing up for a therapy session! But I felt like this was exactly the right direction to begin as we continue to peel back layers and find answers to this big issue so many of us are facing!

I would love to hear from you as we continue this series.  Please comment with your thoughts or ideas or questions relating to this.  I have heard many of you and I’m planning some content on practical ways to help us with hospitality as well as more dealings with the emotional side of it.   I really hope you’ll join us on this walk and share with your friends or family who might have these struggles as well.  We need you here!